What a loser am I!

Nope, that's not a question...that's a statement. My mind's been back on writing and a book I read called, 'God Never Blinks' encourages you to write even if you're not a writer. I haven't had usage to a computer daily, so I have wrote different feelings in a book when I feel the need to. It's actually quite soothing to get the words and thoughts out, even if their moronic.

I haven't been on here in a year, and GOD what the hell is wrong with me??? I read all of my last posts and am actually quite thankful that I verbalized those feelings because guess what...they're still here with me today, just this guy has a new name. This guy doesn't play the game, he doesn't play at all. I've spent the last six months of my life asking him out numerous times...probably like at least 20x and he's said "no" to each one. I'm always the one that initiates any communication between the two of us, and I can't talk to him on the phone. I always talk to his voice mail.

His only existence lies in text messages....which I've received a whole three from him. I've met him in person, actually by default, at one of the greatest places to meet some...an art show. And so, it turns out that he was best friends in high school with my best friend now.

You know that kind of feeling you get when you see someone and there's just that spark. It doesn't happen too often, so when it does it's like fireworks. After our first meet, he did come out with me and my bf for a few hours one night. I was so nervous when he came over to my house, and I'm pretty sure he was nervous too...he spent 10 minutes in the bathroom...I thought maybe he was thinking of an escape plan, but we ended up spending three hours together. I walked him to his car when he was ready to leave and gave him a hug, and he hugged me pretty long.

After our first half date, I got the excuses...I'm not good at relationships & I'm a heart breaker. What loser tries for months to persuade the guy she likes into liking her...me! WHY DO I CONTINUOUSLY GO AFTER EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN?????? I know why...because when I was younger I had an emotionally unavailable father. So, at least I know why I do what I do, but I seriously have to stop the insanity!

I'm attracted to him, intrigued by him, and we enjoy a lot of the same things...but there's one really important factor missing, he doesn't want to be with me. He can give me every excuse he wants, that he's stubborn, that he's hard to be friends with, but he shows me the truth every time I ask him out and he says no...that he's just not that into me. He said yes once and he's said no for the last six months.

It's just my loser self that continuously bothers him, and although he responds to 90% of my texts, he never initiates any communication, and that's just isn't good enough for me. I've tried to quit him. I've erased his phone number only to be ok, and put it back in my phone. I tried to give him up for Lent, and only made it 3o days, (at least I was successful giving up facebook for the whole 47 days). I've prayed for strength only to have persistence get in the way. I just need to quit thinking, quit feeling, and most importantly quit texting!