What a loser am I!

Nope, that's not a question...that's a statement. My mind's been back on writing and a book I read called, 'God Never Blinks' encourages you to write even if you're not a writer. I haven't had usage to a computer daily, so I have wrote different feelings in a book when I feel the need to. It's actually quite soothing to get the words and thoughts out, even if their moronic.

I haven't been on here in a year, and GOD what the hell is wrong with me??? I read all of my last posts and am actually quite thankful that I verbalized those feelings because guess what...they're still here with me today, just this guy has a new name. This guy doesn't play the game, he doesn't play at all. I've spent the last six months of my life asking him out numerous times...probably like at least 20x and he's said "no" to each one. I'm always the one that initiates any communication between the two of us, and I can't talk to him on the phone. I always talk to his voice mail.

His only existence lies in text messages....which I've received a whole three from him. I've met him in person, actually by default, at one of the greatest places to meet some...an art show. And so, it turns out that he was best friends in high school with my best friend now.

You know that kind of feeling you get when you see someone and there's just that spark. It doesn't happen too often, so when it does it's like fireworks. After our first meet, he did come out with me and my bf for a few hours one night. I was so nervous when he came over to my house, and I'm pretty sure he was nervous too...he spent 10 minutes in the bathroom...I thought maybe he was thinking of an escape plan, but we ended up spending three hours together. I walked him to his car when he was ready to leave and gave him a hug, and he hugged me pretty long.

After our first half date, I got the excuses...I'm not good at relationships & I'm a heart breaker. What loser tries for months to persuade the guy she likes into liking her...me! WHY DO I CONTINUOUSLY GO AFTER EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN?????? I know why...because when I was younger I had an emotionally unavailable father. So, at least I know why I do what I do, but I seriously have to stop the insanity!

I'm attracted to him, intrigued by him, and we enjoy a lot of the same things...but there's one really important factor missing, he doesn't want to be with me. He can give me every excuse he wants, that he's stubborn, that he's hard to be friends with, but he shows me the truth every time I ask him out and he says no...that he's just not that into me. He said yes once and he's said no for the last six months.

It's just my loser self that continuously bothers him, and although he responds to 90% of my texts, he never initiates any communication, and that's just isn't good enough for me. I've tried to quit him. I've erased his phone number only to be ok, and put it back in my phone. I tried to give him up for Lent, and only made it 3o days, (at least I was successful giving up facebook for the whole 47 days). I've prayed for strength only to have persistence get in the way. I just need to quit thinking, quit feeling, and most importantly quit texting!

Oh yea...

There may have been a lot of greats early in my posts, but it seems that there are some bads to add to the count:

1. You lie, habitually.
2. You're selfish.
3. You can't communicate well.
4. You play the game.
5. You're boring.

There are a lot of great people in this world that stand beside who they are, you my friend, don't even have the slightest clue.

Intuition

Today was a day. I haven't heard from the alien since last Wednesday, and the time before that was on Sunday when he called me up to come over. That Sunday I went over there to talk to him to tell him how I felt. To tell him that I want two things from him: to call me and to be seen out in public with me. He told me that he could talk to me on the phone and he didn't see why he couldn't do what I asked. I felt good that I FINALLY told him how I felt. I walked away thinking I would never hear from him again, and if I didn't, well I was glad that I had my final two cents. So, I didn't hear from him until Wednesday night, the typical text message of "what are you doing?" I didn't get the text until the next day. I sent him a text Saturday night, and didn't hear back from him.

A wise woman told me to let God deal with this, so the past few days I've been asking God to handle this situation for me. Last night I told God I needed a sign that it was time to move on. Thanks to him he is the only man in my life that listens to me. I went on CatholicMatch.com today after seeing it on the back of my church bulletin. I filled out my profile, assessed a client, then came back to finishing my profile. I checked to see if anyone was different (I've been on it before) and who do you think I saw...THE ALIEN! Wow...nothing like your heart sinking into your stomach. I was hurt. I think I had a 10% hope that he would see me but he's never seen me in the light I've wanted him to. I can't change him. I can't change what he thinks is better than me out there. All I can be thankful for is that God answered a prayer that I had asked for, and he answered it quickly!

Today also was a great day in that I asked my X if I could go to dinner with him on Thursday with him and our daughter and he said yes. Hopefully he stays in his manic high until Thursday so he doesn't change his mind. I'm excited for our daughter to see her parents together.
Also, to add to the ironicness of today. I received a phone call from a mutual friend of the alien's and mine. He's married now, and I don't speak to him anymore. He's called in July and he called today. He asked how I was doing, and a minute into the conversation said, "I heard that you and the alien were seeing each other" I replied that we weren't seeing each other. Perhaps I'm being too analytical but what are the odds of this phone call on the day when I find out that the guy I like who has been stringing me along the whole time, telling me to be patient, that I met from this mutual friend is now online dating because apparently I'm too good for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've said this before, and I will say this again (to quote someone wise) "Any man that is stupid enough to let you go, you are smart enough to walk away from."

So, here's to sticking with your intuition, learning from your mistakes, not letting ANYONE pull the wool over your eyes and to letting go of an obvious failure!

a state of funk

Going on day two of no word from him...I love living my life as the used. How can I begin to change what I'm so accustomed to? One word, mass. This morning I woke up and thought about prayer. I've prayed for my friend Jen to keep the baby this time, and have a healthy baby and she did. I've prayed for Teri to get pregnant, and she did. I've prayed for my other friend Jen to have a baby, and I just found out last night that she's 6 weeks along. I've prayed for miracles to happen in their lives, and they've happened. Now, it's time to put the prayer in my life and see what unfolds.

Tonight, I'm going to mass. I'm promising myself to devote an hour on Sunday night each week going to mass, and 10 minutes a day to prayer. I am hoping to gain patience and acceptance. Today is day 1 of the rest of my life.

he's the one telling me to be patient...

A day or so has gone by since I've last had communication with him. I tried to get him to hate me through my texts because that way I know it would be over, he wouldn't want to "deal" with me. My last text was sent to him on Thursday, and I didn't hear from him until last night. He wanted to know what I was doing...I had my night planned out but continued to communicate with him. He said he wanted to see me, and that he was aware he waited too long to make plans. I did my things that I had to do that night, and what do you know...on the way to take Marlo to her dad's he CALLED me! I of course, being the person I am, gave it to him for actually calling me. We figured out a time for me to come over and snuggle. I'm always game for a cuddle session. We watched Harry & the Hendersons and had a good night. Nothing was spoken of dating. Nothing was spoken of anything other than the brief times of communication about school, life, or how old we're getting!

He's always telling me how I need to be patient, and at times people just need to eat their words. I'm not sure how I feel today about him. I told him what I always tell him...actions speak louder than words.

What I do know about today is that for some reason he's still here in my life, well at least he was last night. Today is a new day. I have this feeling about him, and it's not that "he's the one" but that he's in it to be an example for me. For some reason, beyond what I know or what he knows we were in each other's lives for this long. As much as I would like to think he's got the power in the decision making, I know I have my own...but ultimately it's God's will to see where our path takes us to.

Do I think we would be good together. Yes. He's not my "type" on the outside, but he's complete and whole on the inside, and that's far more important to me than whether he will attend an art show with me.

We'll see where this path leads us, and along the way so far one of us has stayed in contact with each other, and if we cease we'll always at least have our faith.

Stale Toast

You know how if you leave bread out of the refrigerator it will do one of two things get stale or mold. So, I guess if I'm the bread and my love life is the refrigerator I'm doomed to get stale or get moldy. I'm not sure if that's makes the sense I want it to, but oh well.

Today was a day! I guess when I ask someone to pray for me for patience and they come through with prayer I get mad because it's not patience I really want, but him to want to be with me. So there was a response with him trying to tell me to stop looking and wait to see what unfolds. I know a game player when I see one, and he's definetly it, so why am I so interested...I know better!

A guy I used to "date" attacked me accusing me of telling one of his ex's friends that we're dating. I don't know anyone that knows her. We're not dating and I don't see what the whole point is anyhow. Drama.

Tonight I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I met online. I was hoping that this newness would help me quit thinking about the stale, but he cancelled on me. I've been cancelled on three times in two months by three guys. My stubborness wants to not give up, but I have to fight the want with the obvious fact...3x a charm, and it's clearly not meant to be for me. Four years of lonliness. I've recently come to grips with being single for life, and it being me and Marlo then I had to go and think about this one person that's been in my life that I never saw in that light, and now I do.

He wants me to patient. I'm not patient in this area, I'm done.

there's a synonym for that...

cancellation = cessation...and that's where I am at tonight. Having anticipated another spontaneous night out with him, I was excited for a fun night. I thought it would be a good start to go to the batting cages since I remembered that he played baseball in highschool. I've only been to the batting cages once before, in my younger years, and although I was good back then I have to admit I was hesitant to see what my hitting skills would be like now. I was ready for the challenge. I borrowed a baseball t-shirt, knew what I was going to wear and was just going to relax before I started to get ready.

Then...I get that text, him cancelling...four hours before our night out. I was pissed, and rightfully so. See spending time with him is comforting to me. I can be who I am because I'm safe with him, and I like him. I think the feeling isn't mutual, at least that's what I got from last weeks date, but I thought what the heck he obvious must like me in some respect to go out with me...maybe he's this or maybe he's that. In reality, and a reality I just didn't choose to see was that once again he's just not that into me.

I fought with him for a half hour. I wasn't going to be the nice girl to him and just let it go. I wasn't going to say we can try another night, because I'm the only one that puts forth any effort of doing anything. I needed to cut my ties with him. It seriously has been a year and a half of knowing him and only in the past five months has there been any spark of interest only because I insinuate it. If the feeling was mutual he would ask me out. If the feeling was mutual he could have cancelled, but made plans with me to make it up this week. If the feeling was mutual I wouldn't have to be sitting here on f'ing Valentine's day at 1:32am blogging about a good guy that just lost a grand girl.

Like I've said before, the reality is what it is. He's not going to call me and say he messed up. He's not going to do anything, because he doesn't want to. As I've said before actions speak louder than words, and my friend is motionless and mute.