Oh yea...

There may have been a lot of greats early in my posts, but it seems that there are some bads to add to the count:

1. You lie, habitually.
2. You're selfish.
3. You can't communicate well.
4. You play the game.
5. You're boring.

There are a lot of great people in this world that stand beside who they are, you my friend, don't even have the slightest clue.

Intuition

Today was a day. I haven't heard from the alien since last Wednesday, and the time before that was on Sunday when he called me up to come over. That Sunday I went over there to talk to him to tell him how I felt. To tell him that I want two things from him: to call me and to be seen out in public with me. He told me that he could talk to me on the phone and he didn't see why he couldn't do what I asked. I felt good that I FINALLY told him how I felt. I walked away thinking I would never hear from him again, and if I didn't, well I was glad that I had my final two cents. So, I didn't hear from him until Wednesday night, the typical text message of "what are you doing?" I didn't get the text until the next day. I sent him a text Saturday night, and didn't hear back from him.

A wise woman told me to let God deal with this, so the past few days I've been asking God to handle this situation for me. Last night I told God I needed a sign that it was time to move on. Thanks to him he is the only man in my life that listens to me. I went on CatholicMatch.com today after seeing it on the back of my church bulletin. I filled out my profile, assessed a client, then came back to finishing my profile. I checked to see if anyone was different (I've been on it before) and who do you think I saw...THE ALIEN! Wow...nothing like your heart sinking into your stomach. I was hurt. I think I had a 10% hope that he would see me but he's never seen me in the light I've wanted him to. I can't change him. I can't change what he thinks is better than me out there. All I can be thankful for is that God answered a prayer that I had asked for, and he answered it quickly!

Today also was a great day in that I asked my X if I could go to dinner with him on Thursday with him and our daughter and he said yes. Hopefully he stays in his manic high until Thursday so he doesn't change his mind. I'm excited for our daughter to see her parents together.
Also, to add to the ironicness of today. I received a phone call from a mutual friend of the alien's and mine. He's married now, and I don't speak to him anymore. He's called in July and he called today. He asked how I was doing, and a minute into the conversation said, "I heard that you and the alien were seeing each other" I replied that we weren't seeing each other. Perhaps I'm being too analytical but what are the odds of this phone call on the day when I find out that the guy I like who has been stringing me along the whole time, telling me to be patient, that I met from this mutual friend is now online dating because apparently I'm too good for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've said this before, and I will say this again (to quote someone wise) "Any man that is stupid enough to let you go, you are smart enough to walk away from."

So, here's to sticking with your intuition, learning from your mistakes, not letting ANYONE pull the wool over your eyes and to letting go of an obvious failure!

a state of funk

Going on day two of no word from him...I love living my life as the used. How can I begin to change what I'm so accustomed to? One word, mass. This morning I woke up and thought about prayer. I've prayed for my friend Jen to keep the baby this time, and have a healthy baby and she did. I've prayed for Teri to get pregnant, and she did. I've prayed for my other friend Jen to have a baby, and I just found out last night that she's 6 weeks along. I've prayed for miracles to happen in their lives, and they've happened. Now, it's time to put the prayer in my life and see what unfolds.

Tonight, I'm going to mass. I'm promising myself to devote an hour on Sunday night each week going to mass, and 10 minutes a day to prayer. I am hoping to gain patience and acceptance. Today is day 1 of the rest of my life.

he's the one telling me to be patient...

A day or so has gone by since I've last had communication with him. I tried to get him to hate me through my texts because that way I know it would be over, he wouldn't want to "deal" with me. My last text was sent to him on Thursday, and I didn't hear from him until last night. He wanted to know what I was doing...I had my night planned out but continued to communicate with him. He said he wanted to see me, and that he was aware he waited too long to make plans. I did my things that I had to do that night, and what do you know...on the way to take Marlo to her dad's he CALLED me! I of course, being the person I am, gave it to him for actually calling me. We figured out a time for me to come over and snuggle. I'm always game for a cuddle session. We watched Harry & the Hendersons and had a good night. Nothing was spoken of dating. Nothing was spoken of anything other than the brief times of communication about school, life, or how old we're getting!

He's always telling me how I need to be patient, and at times people just need to eat their words. I'm not sure how I feel today about him. I told him what I always tell him...actions speak louder than words.

What I do know about today is that for some reason he's still here in my life, well at least he was last night. Today is a new day. I have this feeling about him, and it's not that "he's the one" but that he's in it to be an example for me. For some reason, beyond what I know or what he knows we were in each other's lives for this long. As much as I would like to think he's got the power in the decision making, I know I have my own...but ultimately it's God's will to see where our path takes us to.

Do I think we would be good together. Yes. He's not my "type" on the outside, but he's complete and whole on the inside, and that's far more important to me than whether he will attend an art show with me.

We'll see where this path leads us, and along the way so far one of us has stayed in contact with each other, and if we cease we'll always at least have our faith.

Stale Toast

You know how if you leave bread out of the refrigerator it will do one of two things get stale or mold. So, I guess if I'm the bread and my love life is the refrigerator I'm doomed to get stale or get moldy. I'm not sure if that's makes the sense I want it to, but oh well.

Today was a day! I guess when I ask someone to pray for me for patience and they come through with prayer I get mad because it's not patience I really want, but him to want to be with me. So there was a response with him trying to tell me to stop looking and wait to see what unfolds. I know a game player when I see one, and he's definetly it, so why am I so interested...I know better!

A guy I used to "date" attacked me accusing me of telling one of his ex's friends that we're dating. I don't know anyone that knows her. We're not dating and I don't see what the whole point is anyhow. Drama.

Tonight I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I met online. I was hoping that this newness would help me quit thinking about the stale, but he cancelled on me. I've been cancelled on three times in two months by three guys. My stubborness wants to not give up, but I have to fight the want with the obvious fact...3x a charm, and it's clearly not meant to be for me. Four years of lonliness. I've recently come to grips with being single for life, and it being me and Marlo then I had to go and think about this one person that's been in my life that I never saw in that light, and now I do.

He wants me to patient. I'm not patient in this area, I'm done.

there's a synonym for that...

cancellation = cessation...and that's where I am at tonight. Having anticipated another spontaneous night out with him, I was excited for a fun night. I thought it would be a good start to go to the batting cages since I remembered that he played baseball in highschool. I've only been to the batting cages once before, in my younger years, and although I was good back then I have to admit I was hesitant to see what my hitting skills would be like now. I was ready for the challenge. I borrowed a baseball t-shirt, knew what I was going to wear and was just going to relax before I started to get ready.

Then...I get that text, him cancelling...four hours before our night out. I was pissed, and rightfully so. See spending time with him is comforting to me. I can be who I am because I'm safe with him, and I like him. I think the feeling isn't mutual, at least that's what I got from last weeks date, but I thought what the heck he obvious must like me in some respect to go out with me...maybe he's this or maybe he's that. In reality, and a reality I just didn't choose to see was that once again he's just not that into me.

I fought with him for a half hour. I wasn't going to be the nice girl to him and just let it go. I wasn't going to say we can try another night, because I'm the only one that puts forth any effort of doing anything. I needed to cut my ties with him. It seriously has been a year and a half of knowing him and only in the past five months has there been any spark of interest only because I insinuate it. If the feeling was mutual he would ask me out. If the feeling was mutual he could have cancelled, but made plans with me to make it up this week. If the feeling was mutual I wouldn't have to be sitting here on f'ing Valentine's day at 1:32am blogging about a good guy that just lost a grand girl.

Like I've said before, the reality is what it is. He's not going to call me and say he messed up. He's not going to do anything, because he doesn't want to. As I've said before actions speak louder than words, and my friend is motionless and mute.

Beaker...

Last night's impromtu "date" was a movie night. We watched it at his house, and it was nice to see him again since the last few times, times have clashed. Our last planned date was because I asked him out. I guess if I would wait for him to ask me out I would be waiting longer than the years I already have. Since it's my nature in life to go after what I want, I do what I know to do.

I guess with him it's kind of nice knowing that there's a bit in common with him. We grew up in the same area of Canton. We went to the same church when we were young. He knows my cousin. He's Catholic and it's important to him to be a Catholic. A wise friend told me to write down what I wanted in a guy and when I found that, I know I would find what I was looking for.

My wants:

1. good with kids

2. Catholic

3. Educated

4. Handy Man

5. Not the baby of the family

6. open-minded

7. wants kids

8. marriage

9. respects his mom

10. family man

not that these are in any order except for obviously #1. So what do you do when you find that one that meets your wants list and also hands nice hands, dimples, drinks tea and listens to Coldplay...you like him...only to what...have him tell you that he's not ready to date...aka not ready to date you.

So...you keep your faith and you trust God's plan.

Stood Up

Today's day unfolded with an early morning wake up of a Marlo talking away in the next room. Sunday's are our lazy day. Our goal of the day is to do nothing. This may be because of the cold weather outside, because I'm sure this goal will change once the weather breaks. We had breakfast this morning, colored, watched some tv and took a nap. After our nap it was time for me to get ready for a date. I've decided I'm ready to date again, even though the prospects look slim and the whole getting yourself amped for something that will most likely fade away in a day, a week or a month...like what happened with the last guy is a fact you have to face. I got showered, ready and was gearing up to leave but thought I would check my email just in case, and what to do you know...a cancellation! So now, I have to decide if this guy is worth possibly seeing again?? I'm not sure how I feel and am starting to feel cynical about the dating scene again already. Perhaps my cynism wouldn't be happening this early if this wasn't the bagillionth time I've tried the dating pool.
I decided I would have a date with God instead and go to church...but he hasn't been so helpful either (with some of my prayers), so I decided to take Marlo to dinner. We went to Papa Bears and had a wonderful, and expensive dinner just the two of us. We colored, and chatted...it was nice.

One of a million...

I've thought about writing a book, but since I'm not the best in sentence structure or grammar, I'm passing. I used to write what I called poetry back in the day, but it was just my boy problems, and they're still present to this day. What's a better way to get out the frustrations of the dating scene besides the normal hate music of Korn and Downset...writing! So here I go and I plan to write until my heart is content. If you care to read, get ready to hear the somber story of my dating life...I have it so bad! ;)